I logged in online to #ajcrr excitedly at 12 p.m. but there was still no sign of FlyNDance. It was only when I checked my email then I finally found her email in my inbox.
At first, I thought it will be easier for me to settle down in the darkness as I recollect the memories we have shared. However, all I felt was loneliness. Can you feel it too?
I couldn’t change my habit of logging in online at 1 a.m. Hence, I used a different nickname to sneak into #ajcrr. I hope you don’t blame me. :P You were not there. Should I feel glad for your obedience? You said both of us belonged to Type two - the foolish type. You may be right because I really do admire those who dare to fight for their desires. I stroke my hair gently when you said that I am leaving the world and a few strands of hair fell. The doctors told me it is not a terminal disease and doctors are not supposed to lie. According to them, I can still live like my life as a normal person.
(Read Related : Letting Go Poems)
But Can I?
I tied my hair today because my friend told me that I look more attractive this way. I want you to remember my face as it is today because after today, everything may change.
Why didn't you ask me for my real name? It is the same reason why I didn’t ask for yours. Do you realize how I wish to have something more than a nickname to take along with me?
Thank you for the Dolce Vita, Slorr. I finally got a taste of what sweet times are like but I am really sorry as I couldn’t bear to say goodbye.
Since our relationship started from an email, it should end with an email too. It’s been three months and two days since our very first email. It is not a very long time but it isn't short either. Our story began from me and I will end it.
Maybe it’s like what you said. 'Internet is fast and convenient, but it isn't perfect'. I can send you my thoughts right away but not my tears. It’s about 5.30 a.m. now and it is time for me to go. By the time you receive this mail, I would be trying to settle down somewhere else.
With lots of love,
After reading her email, I felt as if I had just experienced a roller-coaster ride which was almost derailed. She had shown me the other side of her which is soft and sensitive.
(Read Related : My Story)
For the next couple of months, I tried to hypnotize myself and suppress my feelings whenever I think about her. I was perpetually telling myself that she was just one virtual character that flies and dances online but never in the real world. I became a fugitive as I tried to escape from my PC, escape from the Internet and anything that got to do with coffee. I hid myself behind the piles of lecture notes, behind the crowd of people and try to get rid of my feelings.
However, I failed. I realized that it’s impossible to not miss someone when she is in your mind all the time. It’s like telling me not to breathe even though I have been breathing in and out for the past nineteen years. I can hold my breath for a while but not forever. I have to find her!
"Erm... I am looking for... FlyNDance..."
This is the first time I've ever stepped into Singapore General Hospital. It's a dust-free space and everything looked so clean, tidy and arranged. Nevertheless, I don't like the feeling it gives me. I entered room 3-425 and saw her in a deep sleep on the bed. I stood by her bed and watched her. Her hair was still as long as before and it lay across the soft, white pillow. Her face looked rounder due to the side-effects of her medication. The pinkish red patch that was on her neck had spread to her face and is in the shape of a butterfly. Despite that, she is still the most beautiful butterfly I've ever seen.
Her eyelashes twitched slightly and I guess she must be dreaming. I wondered what she is dreaming about. Is she dreaming about Mac Donald's fries and coke? Sinking Titanic? Or the perfume rain along the streets? The room got darker as the clock approaches 6 p.m. I wanted to switch on the lights as I hate to see her lying lonely under the shadows in the room. However, I was also worried that her dreams might be disturbed by the sudden light. While I was in a dilemma, her eyes opened slowly. She looked at me only to turn away suddenly. I can only see her back and I noticed that she had lost weight. After a long time, she turned to face me again. She rubbed her eyes and smiled.
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