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Last Resort Part 1

Last Resort Part 1 | 2

I don’t think I can last like this…

I should be happy because my plan is working perfectly. Well, should I? It’s a torture. Maybe I’m killing myself without noticing. All of this… is for her…

Is it right to throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for because you think that you don’t deserve “that” everything?

I thought something isn’t right, I don’t think I deserve to be with her. She’s very (when I say “very”, its super) beautiful, intelligent, nice, loving and she comes from a well known family, while I’m just an average kind of man. Every time we are with each other, all I want to do is to hug her and tell her I love her. However our difference in status makes me feel that I don’t really deserve someone like her. Maybe I’m not the one for her. She has many suitors who are well groomed and more handsome than me because she’s very attractive.

So I came up with a plan, a plan that will change Everything. I… Must… Ruin… Everything… So that she will hate me… So that when I’m gone, she won’t feel bad breaking up with me. She will feel happier.

Eight months later (now), my plan is at its peak. She doesn’t like me right now.

My plan started slowly. I began by saying that I don’t deserve her because of our differences. I tell her about it often. About two times a week. The roots have been planted. Ever since planting the roots of destruction, we always fight before we settle in a lull.

It was December 2008 when a friend of ours had her 18th birthday. I thought of using it as another opportunity to set up a fight. On the day after the birthday, she asked me of what I thought of the celebrant.
I said, “She’s beautiful.” even though what I wanted to say was, “You’re more beautiful.”
I couldn’t say what I thought and it hurts so badly but I can’t show it in front of her. This incident helped the roots sprout its first buds of hate. Since then, whenever I tell her that she’s beautiful, she will remember what I said about our friend. My plans started to formulate and it really hurts me very much. However, I had to do it as it’s for her own good…

January 2009 came and whenever we’re happy, I would start a fight. We fight everyday. It will always end up with a respite before the next fight again. Her warm personality towards me starts to cool down. This hurts me too. Every time I hurt her feelings, it hurts me twice as much. Nevertheless, I always felt that when the time comes and it all ends, she will be thrice as happy…

On the most important day of the year on 23rd February, (it’s the second year after I first confessed my feelings for her) I didn’t make it as special as I did the last time. It hurts so much. That is the time when she noticed I’ve changed. I can feel her being hurt. I want to tell her I love her so much. From that day onwards, she became very sweet and thoughtful. I thought it might be because she wants me to return to my original self. The original loving and understanding man she knew.

Soon, it was March 2009. My remaining time with her is very short. The vacation is coming. She still loves me but I have to complete my task. I once promised I would never hurt her either emotionally or physically. She thought I won’t do it. That’s why if I do it, she will definitely hate me.

After starting a fight with her, I pretended that I was in a rage and I took one jab at her arms. I saw her grasping her arms in pain. I was shocked at what I did. She looked at me with her teary eyes. She was in pain. A pain she couldn’t believe she would receive from me. A pain I can’t believe I gave her. I felt so much anger at myself. I wanted to kill myself for what I just did and I thought that will make her hate me. However, she never did…

Last resort Part 1 | 2