With her begging, my cold heart softened,
but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park.
I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted
to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking
for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote
on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I
remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here,
Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope
Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving
each other, forever." She was looking around for quite
a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face.
She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there
anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing
into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before.
But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said,
"Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing
there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still
a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and
that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes,
but I'll change, can't we start over?"
I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head.
After that we just kept on walking towards the train station,
didn't say a word to each other.
Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was
found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was
okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot
about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again
and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my
stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare
awakened me again. First I thought the pain wouldl go away,
but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't
take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray.
The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which
proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at
the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to
an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through
the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide.
But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions,
especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole
world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was
still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I
made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing
to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way
to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time,
because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find
out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama
would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come
to an end, that was what I had in mind.
The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her.
We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments
in silence.
I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said
to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."
She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up
her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out
in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one
black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for
her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate
me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the
dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last
one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into
the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist
in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after
the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I
see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted
to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the
taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling
down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold,
not because of the rain. I was cold inside.
She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even
until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they
were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But
I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and
his diary I found after one year since he left, writing
down these last words.
