After almost a month of wonderful conversations with Cupid every time I walked home, I started to feel lonely every Friday afternoon because that would mean I will not see him for two days. I kept this to myself and tried to push the thoughts away. I was surprised one Friday when he told me that if he could just erase Saturdays and Sundays on the calendar, he would do so, and that he had never loved Mondays as much as he did at that time. I was silenced and simply gave him a weak smile. Why in the world would I feel the same way as he did? Why did we like the same songs? Why did I laugh at his tiniest jokes? Why did I feel like we have known each other for many, many years? Why can I talk to him without pretension? Why do I hear my heartbeat every time he speaks? He asked me the same questions later, but I refused to answer him.
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It was then that I realized what it all meant, and where that ‘madness’ could lead. I know that what I was feeling would lead to nothing but grief, but I did not stop. I was happy when we are together, period. So despite our teacher-student relationship, we still continued to be special friends. He was my student the whole day, but after classes, he was my Cupid. We did not talk about how we felt for each other but just took pleasure in each other’s presence. I had doubts, yes. But the hell I care if he is just a kid trying to fool his cradle-snatching teacher. I didn’t care about anything at all because I felt really, truly happy.
On my birthday, he gave me a book of flowers and a card, addressing me as Psyche. I suppressed a giggle and the impulse to blush and hug him. It followed with a date after Christmas. We dined out and watched a movie. I knew it was out of bounds but I also knew that my happiness will not last long for he will be graduating soon. I had to savour every moment with him. After the date, we went to my house and I introduced him to my mom as one of my students. That day was one of the happiest day of my life, but I never made it known to him. From the very beginning, I always treated him as my student, although deep inside, I was bursting with all my covered up feelings. We parted ways that day in a perfect bliss (I was). And that was the last time that he talked to me as my Cupid. He left me a beautiful lamp as a Christmas present.
When classes resumed in January, he became very different. He went back to being my student. He never talked nor looked at me anymore. He never accompanied me during afternoons. I couldn’t ask his friends the reason for his sudden change for I feel awkward and they would probably have no idea at all. They thought that we are still friends and will continue to see each another. I sent him my Christmas gift, a compilation of all the poems I wrote with him as my inspiration. He never thanked me nor return with a note or a word. There was no hint if he even received what I gave. We only see each other during classes and it was always painful for me. However, I waited and waited. Every afternoon, I will stand at the same place where we used to talk, waiting for his scent to fill the air, for his laughter to fill my ears. But he never came.
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He only approached me on his graduation day. He gave me a hug and thanked me for everything, as his teacher. He never gave any explanation on what made him indifferent towards me after that Christmas date. I returned his embrace - as his teacher. Although it was excruciating, I forced a smile and walked away.
I had to move on and try to forget what transpired between us. I told myself that it was entirely my fault. My fault that I made things up and that I assumed too much. I did not blame him nor felt any anger towards him. He was just a teenager looking for affection and I took advantage of that. It was my mistake because I made myself believe in something that wasn’t there. I took all the blame and the pain. The only consolation I had was the fact that at least I felt that certain level of happiness when we were still together.
When I looked back at those times, all I can see was a confused young lady. I still do not understand why that lady chose to go through such struggle when she already knew from the start that her illusions were all part of a fantasy. She should have asked Cupid the reason for his change. She should have tried to find out his reasons. She should have told him that she was hurting. She should have shown him her true feelings. But she didn’t and it was her fault that I still keep dreaming about Cupid. She left me so many unanswered questions that are quite impossible to be answered at present. Cupid was, is and will always be a part of me. And I wanted to keep him in my treasure box without all the regrets, the questions and the pain. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have regrets marrying my husband and ours is a different tale. But Cupid is a memory worth keeping for the rest of my life.
Cupid and Psyche Part 1 | 2
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